Category: Recycled Visions
Journals: The 2004 Venusian Octave (Music of the Spheres), Cup of Kavi
Dates: 11-24-2004, 9-3-2013
I just woke up from my worst nightmare.
I was happily pregnant. But after going to the bathroom, I saw blood. My first instinct, after telling my
husband, was to call my parents.
When I called them, my mom told me that Karen, my sister-in-law, had to
go back to the hospital. They
think they’re having their baby soon.
I had been waiting for baby Bryce to be born so that I could tell my
family we were pregnant afterwards.
We wanted Bryce to get all the attention he deserved. He was their first baby. The first grandson for my parents.
Earlier that day I saw a female hummingbird in our
flowerbed, drinking nectar from our pink lantanas. She’s one of my primary totems, the totem of infinite joy
and illumination. I had been very
happy to see her. When my Aunt
Kathy heard that I had seen one, she told me she just talked to my parents and
that I should ask them about their own Hummingbird story.
So, on the phone with my parents, I asked them about the
Hummingbird. My dad told me that a
few hours ago he was outside and he saw a female hummingbird lying on the
ground. She was flapping her wings
a little, but she couldn’t seem to get up and fly. He took her in his hand and went inside to show my mom. Then he brought the hummingbird back
outside and she flew away.
I told him I saw Hummingbird a few hours before that. For both of us, it was the first
Hummingbird we’ve seen in our yards all year.
Then I told them what I was worried about. I told them about the blood. I told them about the week-long cramping
a few weeks ago. I told them I was
scared that I was about to miscarry our baby.
They told me I should get some sleep and see the doctor
tomorrow morning, They told me
they love me and they hope everything turns out okay.
After saying good night, I knew the night would be far from
good. I knew I wouldn’t be able to
sleep. Michael suggested we go to
the ER. He woke up Alyrica around
midnight and dropped her off at his mom’s house. When he came back for me, we went to the hospital. On the way there, I began cramping
again. It was coming in waves of
pain from a few sharp stabs to a long dull ache.
When we got to the front desk, the lady asked what was
wrong. I said, ‘I’m
pregnant.’ Then, through a flood
of tears, I forced out the words, ‘but I’m bleeding and cramping.’
They brought me to a room and had me change into a gown and
lie down on a bed. The TV was
on. It was playing ‘The
Office’. The whole scene that
played out was about a woman who was pregnant and about to go into labor but was
trying to get her co-workers to distract her. She was avoiding going to the hospital, and the father of
her baby was worried. Just another
reminder that I should have gotten checked out sooner. Especially before I started telling our
friends that we were pregnant.
Nurse Natalie came in to set up an IV. She was beautiful, Lebanese, and very
sweet…but like every nurse ever since I can remember, she couldn’t find a vein
and had to poke me multiple times before giving up and finding someone else to
do it. It’s why I don’t like
needles. Nurse Jean came in and
tried. She didn’t look as sweet as
Natalie. She had permanently
pursed lips with frown lines and a deep wrinkle of irritation between her
brows. I asked her why it was so
hard to find my veins. She said it
was because I have freckles and pale skin.
Finally she got the IV in. A young male doctor and another nurse came in to ask me the
same questions two others had already asked me. Then they had me scoot down in the bed for a pelvic exam,
which made the cramps worse.
Even with Michael by my side, holding my hand…I had trouble
focusing on anything but the pain inside me. When I focused on anything outside of my body, it was always
on something that looked like it was straight out of a nightmare. I’ve never been comfortable in
hospitals. I couldn’t look at my
husband because I didn’t want to see his fear or let him see mine. I focused, instead, on some metal
claw-like thing hanging almost directly over my head…or on the boxes of blue
nitrile gloves…or the harsh lights above me.
After the pelvic exam, the doctor asked if I was okay with
having them insert a catheter. I
asked why. He said so they could
drain the urine from my bladder to take a sample for testing. I asked if it hurts. He said it stings a little. I said no, I’d rather just pee in a
cup.
After they left, another guy comes in and asks if I need to
go pee. I said yes. Then he left. It was all very confusing, so Michael helped me out of the
bed so we could find a bathroom.
There was blood on the white sheets.
With Michael’s help, I walked out of my room slowly while
holding my gown closed in the back.
Everyone looked at me strangely, like I had done something wrong. The guy who was just in our room rushed
over. ‘Do you need
something?’ I said ‘I thought I
was supposed to go to the bathroom.’
He brought us back in the room saying, ‘Just wait here and someone will
come to take you. Just stay in the
bed.’
I had some trouble getting back into the bed. Once I did, he left. It was a while before anyone else came
in. On the TV now it was
‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’.
Alyrica loves that show. I
thought of her laughing. I was
watching clips of little kids doing funny things, but I couldn’t laugh. Even if it could’ve made me laugh, it
would hurt. I couldn’t even cough
or blow my nose. I had to just lie
there, clutching my lower abdomen, while I watched the audience laugh.
A lady came in and told us we were going to get an
ultrasound. She wheeled my bed
through the halls. Everything was
lights and ceiling tiles, doors and signs. When we got there, there was a woman in red scrubs with an
owl on the left of her chest. I
asked her name but she didn’t answer me.
I hoped that she would be nice like all the others I knew with Owl
totems. I have an Owl totem
myself, and I wanted to feel some kind of kinship with this lady because of
it. It didn’t happen. She was cold and seemed uncaring. She quickly lifted my gown and began
jabbing me with the ultrasound wand.
It hurt a lot. She seemed
impatient. She said my bladder
wasn’t full enough and she couldn’t get a good read. She brought me some water to drink and said I needed to keep
drinking as much as I could and she would be back to check on me. I asked her name again. She said, ‘Linda’. I asked how long this would take and
she said probably another hour.
Then she left. I drank the
first glass of water. Then I
started cramping really hard. I
was in a lot of pain and Michael got scared. When it calmed down, I started drinking another glass. Then they started again. I was moaning loudly. We were all alone in the ultrasound
room. Linda was gone. Michael went to go look for her.
While they were gone I said prayers into my water. I drank in the prayers. They came back and finally had someone
take us back to the ER. Nurse
Natalie hooked me up to some fluids in my IV to fill my bladder faster. She asked if this was my first
pregnancy. I told her I have a
daughter who will be 8 in January.
She asked if this was a planned pregnancy. I said ‘Yes. We
had been trying for over two years.’
I started to cry, thinking about all of the failed attempts and all of
the effort and love and intent we had been putting into this for so many years
now. Natalie said, ‘I’m sorry. If it makes you feel any better, I’ve
been trying for 6 years.’ No, it
didn’t really make me feel better to know that. I know how painful each month can be in those times. It’s sad to think of so many women
having to go through the same disappointments, questioning themselves over and
over again, wondering what’s wrong with them. The cramps started taking control again.
Natalie gave me a pain pill. I asked her if I had to take it, because I don’t usually
take pills for pain. She said I
didn’t have to but she suggested I should. So I did, because everything that had been done already was
against the natural way that I had hoped for with this pregnancy…from the fear
to the ultrasound…I didn’t feel I could fight it. I was in foreign territory.
The pain didn’t subside. It became constant.
Michael had to leave, then, to go to the bathroom. When he left, I felt blood begin to
flow between my legs. I heard
pieces of the words of my 22-year-old self, and I had a vision of Phoenix
burning to ashes.
Bird of the Soul (2004)
“The symbolism of the caged bird appears in much of women's
literature. And each time I encounter it in writing, my insides twist up a bit
and my throat gets tight with emotional tension.
I've always felt the wings of my words like they were
caged in my ribs...thumping out their message with my heartbeat as their
rhythm. And this phoenix within me cannot be forced through my voice and out of
my mouth, her wings are much too large. Instead she has found solace in the
openness of my mind, where she can fly to the highest heights and across the
boundless seas of a world that exists only in my perception. And though she was
once a gypsy spirit, she has found a home with me.
And with her in mind, I can write like the wind. She knows
not how to write, or speak in language discernable to ears, but she knows what
she knows...and it's so much more than I have ever learned myself. Her stories,
her poetry, her birdsongs...I translate them through to my fingertips. And
there, in writing, lies my soul.”
Phoenix left me then in a rush of blood. A feeling of peace came over me. It was sad, but there was a promise in
it. After all, Phoenix is a symbol
of rebirth.
Michael returned to the room to find me still staring to
the left of the ceiling, where I saw what I saw. He said, ‘It’s freezing in here.’ I looked to him and said, ‘It was the baby.’ He almost asked for clarification until
it dawned on him what it meant.
His face contorted with sadness, feeling the reality of the loss. We held each other for a while. Then he helped me clean up some of the
blood.
Nurse Natalie came back in to check on me. She asked if I felt like my bladder was
full. I said ‘I think so. I can’t tell because there’s so much
blood, and the cramps, I’m having trouble understanding what my body is doing
right now.’ She said she would
come back in a few minutes to unhook the fluids and have someone bring me back
down to the ultrasound room.
We were there for a long time, just eye gazing…not knowing
what else to say besides ‘I love you.’
Finally I could tell my bladder was really full. I felt like I was going to pee the
bed. The fluid in the drip was nearly
empty. Michael went out to get
someone.
Natalie unhooked me and a man named Chris came to take us
back to Linda. When we got there,
the place was completely empty. He
couldn’t find Linda anywhere. He
apologized many times. I told him
it was okay, it was over anyway.
He didn’t say anything more after that. He just brought me back up to our room and went to go find
Linda. Michael went to find
Natalie. The TV had a white-haired
evangelist on it reading scripture from the bible about death. When Michael came back, I told him to
change the channel because it was too sad. He changed it to the weather. Bright skies and sunny days ahead. I knew I wouldn’t be seeing much of that weather for a
while.
Another lady came in to bring us back to the ultrasound
room again. I was beginning to be
able to predict which signs I would see next and how many bumps we would go
over before we would be back in the same ultrasound room.
In the room, Linda went through the same procedure. Michael told her that it hurt me when
she pressed really hard. I’m sure
she already knew. She did what she
did anyway. I was a little more
numb by then already…so I forgave her silently.
It took longer than I had hoped. Each time she pressed, I felt like my bladder was going to
explode. When she finally finished
with the first of the ultrasounds, she and Michael helped me off the bed and
into the bathroom. When I lifted
my gown, my thighs were washed with blood. I peed into the cup for the urine sample, and I kept on
going. It was the longest pee I’ve
ever had in one sitting. Each time
we thought it was just about over, it just kept going. When it was over, Michael handed me
some wet paper towels to clean myself off.
When we went back in the room, they had to help me up on
top of the bed which now had a strange pillow in the middle to prop me up for
the next ultrasound. Linda had me
put a wand inside me this time.
Then she moved it all around to take the next series of pictures…this
hurt even more than when she was pressing on my belly.
After all of that, she wheeled me out to the hall where we
waited for someone to take us back.
An African-American woman was wheeled into the hall then as well. She said, ‘Hi.’ I said, ‘How are you?’ ‘Terrible.’ She said. ‘Me
too.’ I replied, hoping she was
not going through the same thing I was.
She said, ‘It’s okay. We’ll
get through this together as a unit.’
Then we were wheeled away.
As my bed passed hers, I held my hand up to reach out to her and she
grabbed it. Her hand was
shaking. I felt her fear. And then we were gone, down the long
hall again and back into the Emergency Room.
I was thinking about her all the way back to the
room. She was all alone, no
husband there beside her to hold her hand and tell her he loved her and that
everything would be okay. We were
going to get through this together as a unit, but I didn’t even know her name. I knew I probably wouldn’t even see her
again. I hoped everything would
turn out better for her than it had for us.
They told us it would take a while to get the results back
from the ultrasound. Michael and I
waited for a while. He started to
fall asleep in the chair next to my bed.
His head was hanging over the rail and I was stroking his hair. After a while, I woke him up and asked
him if he would get in the bed with me so we could fall asleep together. He did, and though it was really only
big enough for one person…I told him to just melt into me. We made it work, and it was the first
time in the 6 hours we were there that felt comfortable to us. He fell asleep spooning me. I tried to sleep too…but was only going
in and out.
Finally the young doctor came in. He sat down in front of me at the side
of my bed. Michael was waking up,
but still in a sleepy stupor. He
told me afterwards that it was like waking up from a nightmare into a
nightmare. The doctor told us that
it was likely that we had a miscarriage.
He said there’s still a chance, but a
small one. I told him calmly,
‘It’s okay. I already know. The baby’s gone.’ There was a subtlety in the expression
of his eyes that confirmed to me he, and everyone else, knew it too. He was afraid to tell me when he walked
in, because I had been crying and very sad the whole time about what was
happening. He didn’t want me to
lose it again. But I didn’t. It had been understood for hours
already. I had felt it happen,
after all. I had already reached
the point of acceptance, though it still hurt deep down.
The doctor said we need to schedule a follow up to do the
same tests again in two days. I agreed, though I dreaded
coming back for the same procedures that left me feeling somewhat violated and
empty. The doctor asked if we had
any questions for him. I asked him
if I was going to be able to teach my class at 4:30pm. He said it depends on how I’m feeling,
but probably not. I asked him when
we could try again to have a child.
He said probably after my next period. Michael asked him the question that had been on both of our
minds, ‘Why did this happen? Was
there anything we could have done to prevent this?’ The doctor replied, ‘You didn’t do anything wrong. Most times it’s a chromosomal imbalance
and this is just the body’s way of flushing out an unhealthy pregnancy. It’s not anyone’s fault. These things just happen.’
Nurse Natalie came back in to take out the IV after the
doctor said goodbye. I told her I
hope that she is able to conceive soon.
She thanked me, and we left.
On the way home, we saw the sliver of the waning crescent
moon. It was a reminder of endings
that ushered in new beginnings.
When we got home, I started feeling sick. I opened the car door and my vision
started to blur. The sounds of the
morning started to cut out and were replaced by a loud draining sound, like
water rushing through pipes. I
fell to my knees on the grass before Michael could come around to catch
me. I felt the morning dew on my
legs and put my head down to try to stop myself from passing out. Michael wanted me to get back in the
car so he could take me back to the hospital. I refused. I
told him I had to get in our bed.
He helped me up and I started to walk toward our stairs. Everything was starting to feel very
heavy. The sounds around us were
still muffled in my ears by the loud rushing sound. The morning grew darker as I climbed the stairs with
Michael’s help. I was determined
to get to my bed. I started to see
what looked like a black hole in front of me. I got to the top of the stairs, feeling dizzy. I knew I was about to faint but
couldn’t talk. Michael fumbled
with the keys and finally got the door open. He caught me as I started to fall again to my knees. My right knee hit the concrete of the
stairs and our cats flooded out of our door, passing by me to get outside. I blacked out for a moment. When I came back, Michael was pulling
me up and inside. I started
walking down the hall to our bedroom as fast as I could…the sound in my ears
was terribly loud and I knew I had to lay down to make it stop. I got to the bed and Michael helped me
take off my shoes and my clothes.
He covered me up and got me some water. I remember asking him to call John to see if he could
substitute for my class. I don’t
remember much after that, I went right to sleep once Michael started making
calls.
When I woke up, it was the afternoon. That was the worst nightmare I’d ever
had, I thought. I got up to go to
the bathroom and noticed the bandages on my arm and the hospital
bracelets. Reality set in. It wasn’t a nightmare. It was real.
(2013)
The time shall turn to no time;
