The One that Flew Away

Category:  Recycled Visions
Journals:  The 2004 Venusian Octave (Music of the Spheres), Cup of Kavi
Dates:  11-24-2004, 9-3-2013

I just woke up from my worst nightmare. 

I was happily pregnant.  But after going to the bathroom, I saw blood.  My first instinct, after telling my husband, was to call my parents.  When I called them, my mom told me that Karen, my sister-in-law, had to go back to the hospital.  They think they’re having their baby soon.  I had been waiting for baby Bryce to be born so that I could tell my family we were pregnant afterwards.  We wanted Bryce to get all the attention he deserved.  He was their first baby.  The first grandson for my parents.

Earlier that day I saw a female hummingbird in our flowerbed, drinking nectar from our pink lantanas.  She’s one of my primary totems, the totem of infinite joy and illumination.  I had been very happy to see her.  When my Aunt Kathy heard that I had seen one, she told me she just talked to my parents and that I should ask them about their own Hummingbird story.

So, on the phone with my parents, I asked them about the Hummingbird.  My dad told me that a few hours ago he was outside and he saw a female hummingbird lying on the ground.  She was flapping her wings a little, but she couldn’t seem to get up and fly.  He took her in his hand and went inside to show my mom.  Then he brought the hummingbird back outside and she flew away.

I told him I saw Hummingbird a few hours before that.  For both of us, it was the first Hummingbird we’ve seen in our yards all year.

Then I told them what I was worried about.  I told them about the blood.  I told them about the week-long cramping a few weeks ago.  I told them I was scared that I was about to miscarry our baby.

They told me I should get some sleep and see the doctor tomorrow morning,  They told me they love me and they hope everything turns out okay.

After saying good night, I knew the night would be far from good.  I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep.  Michael suggested we go to the ER.  He woke up Alyrica around midnight and dropped her off at his mom’s house.  When he came back for me, we went to the hospital.  On the way there, I began cramping again.  It was coming in waves of pain from a few sharp stabs to a long dull ache.

When we got to the front desk, the lady asked what was wrong.  I said, ‘I’m pregnant.’  Then, through a flood of tears, I forced out the words, ‘but I’m bleeding and cramping.’

They brought me to a room and had me change into a gown and lie down on a bed.  The TV was on.  It was playing ‘The Office’.  The whole scene that played out was about a woman who was pregnant and about to go into labor but was trying to get her co-workers to distract her.  She was avoiding going to the hospital, and the father of her baby was worried.  Just another reminder that I should have gotten checked out sooner.  Especially before I started telling our friends that we were pregnant.

Nurse Natalie came in to set up an IV.  She was beautiful, Lebanese, and very sweet…but like every nurse ever since I can remember, she couldn’t find a vein and had to poke me multiple times before giving up and finding someone else to do it.  It’s why I don’t like needles.  Nurse Jean came in and tried.  She didn’t look as sweet as Natalie.  She had permanently pursed lips with frown lines and a deep wrinkle of irritation between her brows.  I asked her why it was so hard to find my veins.  She said it was because I have freckles and pale skin.

Finally she got the IV in.  A young male doctor and another nurse came in to ask me the same questions two others had already asked me.  Then they had me scoot down in the bed for a pelvic exam, which made the cramps worse.

Even with Michael by my side, holding my hand…I had trouble focusing on anything but the pain inside me.  When I focused on anything outside of my body, it was always on something that looked like it was straight out of a nightmare.  I’ve never been comfortable in hospitals.  I couldn’t look at my husband because I didn’t want to see his fear or let him see mine.  I focused, instead, on some metal claw-like thing hanging almost directly over my head…or on the boxes of blue nitrile gloves…or the harsh lights above me.

After the pelvic exam, the doctor asked if I was okay with having them insert a catheter.  I asked why.  He said so they could drain the urine from my bladder to take a sample for testing.  I asked if it hurts.  He said it stings a little.  I said no, I’d rather just pee in a cup.

After they left, another guy comes in and asks if I need to go pee.  I said yes.  Then he left.  It was all very confusing, so Michael helped me out of the bed so we could find a bathroom.  There was blood on the white sheets.

With Michael’s help, I walked out of my room slowly while holding my gown closed in the back.  Everyone looked at me strangely, like I had done something wrong.  The guy who was just in our room rushed over.  ‘Do you need something?’  I said ‘I thought I was supposed to go to the bathroom.’  He brought us back in the room saying, ‘Just wait here and someone will come to take you.  Just stay in the bed.’

I had some trouble getting back into the bed.  Once I did, he left.  It was a while before anyone else came in.  On the TV now it was ‘America’s Funniest Home Videos’.  Alyrica loves that show.  I thought of her laughing.  I was watching clips of little kids doing funny things, but I couldn’t laugh.  Even if it could’ve made me laugh, it would hurt.  I couldn’t even cough or blow my nose.  I had to just lie there, clutching my lower abdomen, while I watched the audience laugh.

A lady came in and told us we were going to get an ultrasound.  She wheeled my bed through the halls.  Everything was lights and ceiling tiles, doors and signs.  When we got there, there was a woman in red scrubs with an owl on the left of her chest.  I asked her name but she didn’t answer me.  I hoped that she would be nice like all the others I knew with Owl totems.  I have an Owl totem myself, and I wanted to feel some kind of kinship with this lady because of it.  It didn’t happen.  She was cold and seemed uncaring.  She quickly lifted my gown and began jabbing me with the ultrasound wand.  It hurt a lot.  She seemed impatient.  She said my bladder wasn’t full enough and she couldn’t get a good read.  She brought me some water to drink and said I needed to keep drinking as much as I could and she would be back to check on me.  I asked her name again.  She said, ‘Linda’.  I asked how long this would take and she said probably another hour.  Then she left.  I drank the first glass of water.  Then I started cramping really hard.  I was in a lot of pain and Michael got scared.  When it calmed down, I started drinking another glass.  Then they started again.  I was moaning loudly.  We were all alone in the ultrasound room.  Linda was gone.  Michael went to go look for her.

While they were gone I said prayers into my water.  I drank in the prayers.  They came back and finally had someone take us back to the ER.  Nurse Natalie hooked me up to some fluids in my IV to fill my bladder faster.  She asked if this was my first pregnancy.  I told her I have a daughter who will be 8 in January.  She asked if this was a planned pregnancy.  I said ‘Yes.  We had been trying for over two years.’  I started to cry, thinking about all of the failed attempts and all of the effort and love and intent we had been putting into this for so many years now.  Natalie said, ‘I’m sorry.  If it makes you feel any better, I’ve been trying for 6 years.’  No, it didn’t really make me feel better to know that.  I know how painful each month can be in those times.  It’s sad to think of so many women having to go through the same disappointments, questioning themselves over and over again, wondering what’s wrong with them.  The cramps started taking control again.

Natalie gave me a pain pill.  I asked her if I had to take it, because I don’t usually take pills for pain.  She said I didn’t have to but she suggested I should.  So I did, because everything that had been done already was against the natural way that I had hoped for with this pregnancy…from the fear to the ultrasound…I didn’t feel I could fight it.  I was in foreign territory.

The pain didn’t subside.  It became constant.  Michael had to leave, then, to go to the bathroom.  When he left, I felt blood begin to flow between my legs.  I heard pieces of the words of my 22-year-old self, and I had a vision of Phoenix burning to ashes.

Bird of the Soul (2004)

“The symbolism of the caged bird appears in much of women's literature. And each time I encounter it in writing, my insides twist up a bit and my throat gets tight with emotional tension.

I've always felt the wings of my words like they were caged in my ribs...thumping out their message with my heartbeat as their rhythm. And this phoenix within me cannot be forced through my voice and out of my mouth, her wings are much too large. Instead she has found solace in the openness of my mind, where she can fly to the highest heights and across the boundless seas of a world that exists only in my perception. And though she was once a gypsy spirit, she has found a home with me.

And with her in mind, I can write like the wind. She knows not how to write, or speak in language discernable to ears, but she knows what she knows...and it's so much more than I have ever learned myself. Her stories, her poetry, her birdsongs...I translate them through to my fingertips. And there, in writing, lies my soul.”

Phoenix left me then in a rush of blood.  A feeling of peace came over me.  It was sad, but there was a promise in it.  After all, Phoenix is a symbol of rebirth.

Michael returned to the room to find me still staring to the left of the ceiling, where I saw what I saw.  He said, ‘It’s freezing in here.’  I looked to him and said, ‘It was the baby.’  He almost asked for clarification until it dawned on him what it meant.  His face contorted with sadness, feeling the reality of the loss.  We held each other for a while.  Then he helped me clean up some of the blood.

Nurse Natalie came back in to check on me.  She asked if I felt like my bladder was full.  I said ‘I think so.  I can’t tell because there’s so much blood, and the cramps, I’m having trouble understanding what my body is doing right now.’  She said she would come back in a few minutes to unhook the fluids and have someone bring me back down to the ultrasound room. 

We were there for a long time, just eye gazing…not knowing what else to say besides ‘I love you.’  Finally I could tell my bladder was really full.  I felt like I was going to pee the bed.  The fluid in the drip was nearly empty.  Michael went out to get someone. 

Natalie unhooked me and a man named Chris came to take us back to Linda.  When we got there, the place was completely empty.  He couldn’t find Linda anywhere.  He apologized many times.  I told him it was okay, it was over anyway.  He didn’t say anything more after that.  He just brought me back up to our room and went to go find Linda.  Michael went to find Natalie.  The TV had a white-haired evangelist on it reading scripture from the bible about death.  When Michael came back, I told him to change the channel because it was too sad.  He changed it to the weather.  Bright skies and sunny days ahead.  I knew I wouldn’t be seeing much of that weather for a while.

Another lady came in to bring us back to the ultrasound room again.  I was beginning to be able to predict which signs I would see next and how many bumps we would go over before we would be back in the same ultrasound room. 

In the room, Linda went through the same procedure.  Michael told her that it hurt me when she pressed really hard.  I’m sure she already knew.  She did what she did anyway.  I was a little more numb by then already…so I forgave her silently.

It took longer than I had hoped.  Each time she pressed, I felt like my bladder was going to explode.  When she finally finished with the first of the ultrasounds, she and Michael helped me off the bed and into the bathroom.  When I lifted my gown, my thighs were washed with blood.  I peed into the cup for the urine sample, and I kept on going.  It was the longest pee I’ve ever had in one sitting.  Each time we thought it was just about over, it just kept going.  When it was over, Michael handed me some wet paper towels to clean myself off.

When we went back in the room, they had to help me up on top of the bed which now had a strange pillow in the middle to prop me up for the next ultrasound.  Linda had me put a wand inside me this time.  Then she moved it all around to take the next series of pictures…this hurt even more than when she was pressing on my belly.

After all of that, she wheeled me out to the hall where we waited for someone to take us back.  An African-American woman was wheeled into the hall then as well.  She said, ‘Hi.’  I said, ‘How are you?’  ‘Terrible.’  She said.  ‘Me too.’  I replied, hoping she was not going through the same thing I was.  She said, ‘It’s okay.  We’ll get through this together as a unit.’  Then we were wheeled away.  As my bed passed hers, I held my hand up to reach out to her and she grabbed it.  Her hand was shaking.  I felt her fear.  And then we were gone, down the long hall again and back into the Emergency Room.

I was thinking about her all the way back to the room.  She was all alone, no husband there beside her to hold her hand and tell her he loved her and that everything would be okay.  We were going to get through this together as a unit, but I didn’t even know her name.  I knew I probably wouldn’t even see her again.  I hoped everything would turn out better for her than it had for us.

They told us it would take a while to get the results back from the ultrasound.  Michael and I waited for a while.  He started to fall asleep in the chair next to my bed.  His head was hanging over the rail and I was stroking his hair.  After a while, I woke him up and asked him if he would get in the bed with me so we could fall asleep together.  He did, and though it was really only big enough for one person…I told him to just melt into me.  We made it work, and it was the first time in the 6 hours we were there that felt comfortable to us.  He fell asleep spooning me.  I tried to sleep too…but was only going in and out.

Finally the young doctor came in.  He sat down in front of me at the side of my bed.  Michael was waking up, but still in a sleepy stupor.  He told me afterwards that it was like waking up from a nightmare into a nightmare.  The doctor told us that it was likely that we had a miscarriage.  He said there’s still a chance, but a small one.  I told him calmly, ‘It’s okay.  I already know.  The baby’s gone.’  There was a subtlety in the expression of his eyes that confirmed to me he, and everyone else, knew it too.  He was afraid to tell me when he walked in, because I had been crying and very sad the whole time about what was happening.  He didn’t want me to lose it again.  But I didn’t.  It had been understood for hours already.  I had felt it happen, after all.  I had already reached the point of acceptance, though it still hurt deep down.

The doctor said we need to schedule a follow up to do the same tests again in two days.  I agreed, though I dreaded coming back for the same procedures that left me feeling somewhat violated and empty.  The doctor asked if we had any questions for him.  I asked him if I was going to be able to teach my class at 4:30pm.  He said it depends on how I’m feeling, but probably not.  I asked him when we could try again to have a child.  He said probably after my next period.  Michael asked him the question that had been on both of our minds, ‘Why did this happen?  Was there anything we could have done to prevent this?’  The doctor replied, ‘You didn’t do anything wrong.  Most times it’s a chromosomal imbalance and this is just the body’s way of flushing out an unhealthy pregnancy.  It’s not anyone’s fault.  These things just happen.’

Nurse Natalie came back in to take out the IV after the doctor said goodbye.  I told her I hope that she is able to conceive soon.  She thanked me, and we left.

On the way home, we saw the sliver of the waning crescent moon.  It was a reminder of endings that ushered in new beginnings.

When we got home, I started feeling sick.  I opened the car door and my vision started to blur.  The sounds of the morning started to cut out and were replaced by a loud draining sound, like water rushing through pipes.  I fell to my knees on the grass before Michael could come around to catch me.  I felt the morning dew on my legs and put my head down to try to stop myself from passing out.  Michael wanted me to get back in the car so he could take me back to the hospital.  I refused.  I told him I had to get in our bed.  He helped me up and I started to walk toward our stairs.  Everything was starting to feel very heavy.  The sounds around us were still muffled in my ears by the loud rushing sound.  The morning grew darker as I climbed the stairs with Michael’s help.  I was determined to get to my bed.  I started to see what looked like a black hole in front of me.  I got to the top of the stairs, feeling dizzy.  I knew I was about to faint but couldn’t talk.  Michael fumbled with the keys and finally got the door open.  He caught me as I started to fall again to my knees.  My right knee hit the concrete of the stairs and our cats flooded out of our door, passing by me to get outside.  I blacked out for a moment.  When I came back, Michael was pulling me up and inside.  I started walking down the hall to our bedroom as fast as I could…the sound in my ears was terribly loud and I knew I had to lay down to make it stop.  I got to the bed and Michael helped me take off my shoes and my clothes.  He covered me up and got me some water.  I remember asking him to call John to see if he could substitute for my class.  I don’t remember much after that, I went right to sleep once Michael started making calls.

When I woke up, it was the afternoon.  That was the worst nightmare I’d ever had, I thought.  I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed the bandages on my arm and the hospital bracelets.  Reality set in.  It wasn’t a nightmare.  It was real.