A Farewell to Ani: Fifteen Years of Unconditional Love

A Farewell to Ani: Fifteen Years of Unconditional Love

by Felina Lune Kavi

Category: Recycled Visions


Journals:  Venus-lit Vixen, The 2004 Venusian Octave (Music of the Spheres), Blue Moon Sea Change, Earth Mother, Speaker for the Soul, and Cup of Kavi 

Date:  6-14-2019

"Guardians of love and light, stand by this cat and ease her fight, for she has been a guardian too, and now needs help to pass on through." My husband and I chanted while holding our dying cat, my familiar, Ani. I have been here before, holding the paw of a familiar in her last breaths of life. It never gets any easier. I played a song just for her, just for this moment because Ani and I were always connected by our love for music. That’s why I named her Ani...she shared my love for Ani DiFranco since the day we met, 15 years ago. But Ani DiFranco doesn’t have the perfect song for saying goodbye to this beautiful being I love so deeply. ‘I Hold You’ by Clann was her goodbye song. Clann is Old Irish for ‘family’...even the band’s name is appropriate.

Ani’s full name was Anikka Maxine ‘Fuzzknuckle’ Kavi. Anikka is the name of the lead singer of The Gathering, who sang ‘The May Song’...which I was playing in May 2004 when Ani came to live with me in Oklahoma City. Ani was a kitten then, born at the beginning of May (my little Beltane baby). A guy that went to the baptist bible college found her in a dumpster, but they didn’t allow cats at the dorm...so he gave her to my ex, who gave her to me. I fell in love with her immediately. Though it did take a few years for my familiar, Jasmine, to warm up to this rambunctious little one who was always trying to snuggle in with her where ever she sat.

She reminded me of my mom’s familiar, Max, who was Jasmine’s brother. So her middle name became Maxine. Her ‘Jellicle’ name, ‘Fuzzknuckle’ was the word I used in a play called ‘Sylvia’ to replace the F-word that Sylvia (a dog) yelled threateningly at a cat. The theatre board members thought the more colorful language my character used in the cat scene would offend their older audience members...so I made up many of my own words to replace them and shouted them as if shouting profanity. It worked to make the laugh lines even funnier for the audience. And because Ani showed a hilarious sense of humor from the start, she was quite proud to adopt the name Fuzzknuckle as a term of endearment.

She even looked a little goofy in her kitten days...still beautiful and adorable, but also goofy. She had kind of a wonky shaped head, a tongue that (at first) seemed a bit too large for her mouth, a gap in the middle of her tiny front teeth, a scraggly voice, and a crooked tail. This all matched her wild and goofy antics as a kitten. Naturally, she became a character in my ongoing LiveJournal story series which started from the point-of-view of Jasmine (whose Jellicle name was ‘Blue’) and became the ‘Fuzzknuckle and Blue’ series. Fuzzknuckle was Blue’s enthusiastic and somewhat chaotic sidekick, whom Blue reluctantly took on her adventures (but also, deep down, Blue loved her). Like Batman and Robin...if Batman was a wise and chubby cat, and Robin was a scrawny goofball kitten with an exaggerated lisp and a penchant for causing more trouble than Batman was comfortable with.

Jasmine, Ani, and Baby Alyrica in 2006

When Jasmine was 9, and Ani was almost 2...my first child, Alyrica Rayven, was born. So, I wrote a story for Alyrica called ‘Fuzzknuckle and Blue’ where the cats tried to teach the baby (Alyrica Rayne) to talk. There were many times when Jasmine and Ani would be sitting near baby Alyrica while she’d babble at them and they would be staring at her intently...as if trying to discern what she was trying to say. So the story was loosely based on real-life scenes.

Ani was a wonderfully sweet ‘babysitter’ for Alyrica too. And she took that job literally. When I was nursing Alyrica, Ani would come up on the chair and plop down right on any part of the baby that was sticking out. Then she’d look up lovingly at me like ‘See, Mama, I can babysit!’

Ani with Felix, because I never got any photos of Ani sitting on baby Lyra

When Alyrica was 2 years old, Jasmine passed away...from a urinary issue similar to what sent Ani downhill this year. Lyra doesn’t remember much about Jasmine...so she still thinks of her as wise old ‘Blue’ from her story. But Jasmine was also a beautiful and compassionate familiar to me...she would wipe my tears with her fur whenever I cried (which I did a lot in those tumultuous 11 years that Jasmine was with me in my transition to adulthood and then parenthood).

As soon as Jasmine died, that very same day in March of 2008, Ani’s personality began to shift into ‘Familiar Mode’. She started doing things that Jasmine used to do for me, as if immediately maturing by adopting some of Jasmine’s wisdom. She calmed down a bit, likely to keep me calm after losing my first baby. Familiars are very intuitive that way. She kept some of her own expressions of love (but heightened them), like coming to me from any room whenever I would sing or lying down across my chest and purring while we were heart-to-heart. But she also started wiping my tears with her fur on that day that Jasmine died. It seemed Jasmine had given Ani her blessing to inherit the role of familiar...a last act of love between the three of us.

Fuzzknuckles Out!  Zephyr, Zen, and Ani

When Ani was 6, we adopted two kittens we named Zephyr and Zen from our friends (or, Zephyrus Albus ‘Dandelion’ Kavi and Zenya Iris ‘Patchouli’ Kavi). Zephyr became Michael’s familiar and Zen became Alyrica’s familiar. Ani, then, became the wise old Grandma to these kittens...just as Jasmine did for her.

Ani loved Alyrica too. She especially loved her when we were reading, singing bedtime songs, or Alyrica was sleepy. She kept a watchful distance from her when she was first toddling around on two legs though...because Alyrica had a habit of falling hard on her diaper-padded butt in those days and Ani was smart enough not to get pinned by ‘the giant Sumo-baby’. Ani was 10 by the time Felix was born, and she loved him too. She did the same ‘babysitting’ for Felix when he was little. Of course, once Felix could walk...she was even more cautious around him. He was a little more dangerous than Alyrica ever was, because he thought of cat’s tails as toys.

Another photo of Ani 'babysitting' Felix

But Ani’s love for her daddy was undeniable. Soon after Jasmine died in 2008, Ani chose my husband for me. I mean, I was in love with Michael already...but she gave him her blessing during a pivotal conversation where she sat on his lap as if to make the choice for me. So wise she was, because Michael was the perfect Daddy for Ani and Alyrica. And while I didn’t completely know that this 36-year-old bachelor I was in love with had any inherent understanding of what it took to be a good father...Ani could foresee his future.

In these last months of Ani’s life, Michael was a blessing to her. He loved Ani so much, and it showed in the way he took care of her when she was in her worst health and doing things that many other people would find frustrating and inconvenient. He cared for both of us during this time with such love and compassion...it was just like losing a child for him too.

Michael and I both cried together through the worst of it. Just as we’ll heal together now. On the morning before Ani died, I took the kids to Lauritzen Gardens as promised. I didn’t want to leave. Felix was making it all harder than it needed to be with his four-year-old resistance to arriving places on time and without hassle...but I also felt like I was supposed to be with Ani all day again. She had just had an ultrasound the previous day and had been in extreme pain ever since. They found it wasn’t a tumor or stones...it was a ‘very angry bladder’ (apparently the lining of her bladder was in the top three of thickness that the ultrasound tech had ever seen). Michael was supposed to go to work, but he ended up staying home with Ani because she quickly got worse after we left for the Gardens. Michael called me on our way home and told me to get there as fast as we could. He thought Ani would die before I got one more chance to see her.

But when I got home, and went into our bedroom, Ani raised her head and looked right at me. It was as if she was waiting for me so she could start her transition.

As soon as we saw that she was giving up the last of her 9 lives, Michael held her body as I held her paw. We cried for her and kissed her and told her how much we love her. We didn’t want her life to end with such suffering, but we held out our hope for too long...so we made the best of our goodbye to our loving furbaby. Tragic as it was, her send off across the Rainbow Bridge was also deeply beautiful.

States of Alyrica: The Sleepless Sleepover

Category:  Recycled Dialogue

Journal:  Earth Mother

Date:  1-7-18, previous cycle began 7-26-12 (Initiation into the Age of Reason)

States of Alyrica:  The Sleepless Sleepover
Initiation into the Age of Rebellion
by Felina Lune Kavi

I open the door to Alyrica’s bedroom and 6 eyes fell upon me…sleep-deprived, yet unblinking so as not to miss what I was going to say.  Eyebrows raised like question marks.  Are they in trouble?  We’re they too loud? 

I drew a breath, and raised my own question.  “Which one of you can tell me…why?”

The question set in to all three girls, then, and immediately showed in body language…each one pondering the answer in a moment of silence. 

The one who shifted her gaze away first, spoke first.  “What do you mean, why?  Why what?”

“Can you tell me WHY?” I asked, then offered my questioning glance toward each of them separately. 

The one who turned away first, spoke first.  “Were we being too loud?”

“Yes,” I answered.  “But, WHY?”

My daughter is usually not fond of figuring out ‘whys’…her self-motivations often being a blindspot in her consciousness.  ‘Why’ is a confusion point for her, and it can either lead to a breakdown or (when we’re lucky) a redirection of energy toward constructive, reasonable consideration for her environment and others in it.  I’ve been letting her know that it’s okay that she doesn’t know…that she isn’t clear about what she’s doing.  Because it helps her refocus, then, on who she’s being.  Since she was the one who recently had this lesson, she spoke first (the first answer, after so many questions).

“She was demonstrating how to do a drop kick.”  Alyrica said with one of the most exhausted expressions I’ve ever seen from her (aside from in sleepwalking stupors where she couldn’t even form words but still tried to communicate with us).

The one who dropkicked, smirked.

“You shook the whole house.”  I told the Dropkicker.  They all laughed.

The one who instigated (as a mother can always tell the instigator if she’s patient), spoke again…giggling.  “Alright, no more drop kicking.  Promise.”

I looked at the drop kicker, incredulously, and said “Yes.  Please, no more drop kicking.  I can tell you’re physically tired…and she’s mentally exhausted…and she, well, she’s the Energizer Bunny so I don’t know how any of you are going to sleep tonight but at least two of you should.”

They all giggled.

“If somebody actually needs to fall asleep, please let them.” I said to the Energizer Bunny.

She laughed and kicked her legs at not getting in trouble, even while being called out.  “Okay!  Got it!  I can do that!”

“Still too loud.  I get that you’re all cranked up to 11…but take it down to a 2, okay?  You have volume control abilities…you can work on mastering them here tonight.”  Laughter ensued…and I couldn’t help but laugh myself.  They started kicking each other and throwing stuffed animals.  “And no more kicking.  Calm your legs, ladies.  Move your mouths if you have to…quietly…but keep your legs quieter.  Stop kicking each other.  And no more dropkicking either.  No injuries!  I don’t care if you don’t sleep…you’re not going to like the morning if you choose not to sleep, but that’s your choice.  Our cat, Zephyr will be scratching at the doors sometime before 7am…that’s in about 5 hours…demanding food from any hairless ape who can’t sleep through his shenanigans.”

They laughed again.  The physically tired one let out a whimper, knowing his antics would wake her up.

“Don’t worry.  He usually chooses me as his target.  He’ll push through our door, jump right on me, walk heavily up me, put his butt near my head for a moment, then walk around knocking things off my table before traversing the headboard to the window and moving the curtain so the sunlight pours in directly to my face.  He won’t even touch my husband…he knows he will sleep through anything.  He knows I don’t sleep like the others.”

Hysterical laughter ensues throughout the retelling of this daily rude awakening.

“Just know that he’ll try at this door too.  So keep it closed.  And don’t let any cat in when you leave to go to the bathroom.  You’ll regret it when the distinct smell of cat butt steals your dreams away at sunrise.”

I closed the door on their laughter.  It’s possible I could have wound things back up, somewhat intentionally.  But there’s a chance that ‘the tireds’ will set in too after calling out the underlying exhaustion of their shenanigans.  I was betting on both.

 And as I finish this retelling, I hear only ‘stage whispers’ coming through Alyrica’s door.  I might be able to sleep through that.  If not, I have a ‘pink noise’ track I use to cancel out the sounds of my snoring husband.

Applying Acting to Everyday Life/ Creating Reality on Stage (Act Two)

Category:  Soul-of-Thought Revival

Journals:  Venus-Lit Vixen:  Keep the Change/ The Green Room Chronicles

Dates:  5-12-04, 8-4-10, and 6-12-17

(This on-going conversation began with Applying Acting to Everyday Life/ Creating Reality on Stage: Part One…click, now or later, if you’d like a bit of background on this 13 year long conversation.  It’s not as long as it sounds.  Combined, the two from the past are about the same length as this one below.)

Applying Acting to Everyday Life/

Creating Reality on Stage:  Act Two

In acting class yesterday, we were talking about characters.  To illustrate the point that every human being is an actor (storyteller) and we are acting (doing and being) in authentic ways every day, I had them consider all the roles they’ve played so far in life, as well as the possibility of roles to play in their future.  Then we narrowed it down to find the essence of our character.  You can do this too, as I explain this lesson, if you’d like.  Think of who you were as a child (my beginner class is still in their childhood years, so they considered themselves a few years prior to now...while the older class thought back a few more years).  Try to narrow down who you were as a child into just one archetype/character by thinking of how you acted, what made you feel alive or joyful…those kinds of things.  Disregard anything that others wanted you to be or said you were if it didn’t seem to fit you.  What did you know of who you were then?  I said, for example, I was the Artist/Storyteller…because I loved to create things to tell a story (art, dance, music, writing, acting).  Some of the younger students said things like ‘I liked to kiss and hug every animal I saw (Animal Lover)!’ or ‘I was an Artist because I drew on the couch with a pen.’  The older students in my next class said things like ‘I was a Troublemaker.’ Or ‘I was a Comedienne…like I was on my own show.’

(Side note: I was happy to follow with a brief discussion on the history of the Fool/Clown/Jester archetype being the only one who could get away with telling the truth to the King…as well as a bit about the power of humor and timing skill involved in comedic acting…the Fool has powerful medicine, after all.)

Now, who are you NOW?  Right here, in this moment, what role do you play to its fullest?  What character/archetype within comes alive in you in the most authentic way?  Where do you shine? I find that the Guide comes out fullest in all that I am now (even in having to repeat instructions, ad nauseam, to my children…where I feel forced into the Drill Sergeant expression of that Guide role sometimes).  And the Guide is in all that I love to do.  I still create from that Inner Child Artist, but I do it in ways that guide and teach others (and myself) to be the best versions of ourselves…actively creating those better versions of Self in the world around us however we do it best.  For some of my younger students, it was ‘Tomboy’ or ‘Gamer’…and for the next class, they said ‘Cultural Explorer’ or ‘Inventor’. 

So you’ve arrived at how your beginning expression and your current role interact in the now.  How might that combination evolve into your future Self?  Don’t make it the big, scary question of ‘Who will I be (when I grow up)?’…even though, partially, it could be.  But consider a possibility, instead.  What image comes automatically to mind, before the ‘monkey mind’ chimes in?  How can we refine that image into an archetype, character, or role?  The first thing that comes to me is Healer.  That’s what all of this creative expression of the Artist and encouraging words of the Guide are for, after all…to heal us.  Many of us act as, and are continuing to evolve as, healers on this planet in a multitude of ways (and with good reason).  One of my younger students mentioned the ‘Nurse/Caretaker’ archetype…another said ‘Mother’.  One of the teens said ‘Teacher’ while another said ‘Humanitarian’.  Every one of those can also be a Healer.  In fact, if you each told me what you came up with…the majority of you would view your future on a healing path in some way. 

Why, do you feel, that could be?  When we look into the future, do we see ourselves and our wounds healed from our own authentic medicine as well as the authentic medicine of others?  I know I do.  What we want to do for others, we must simultaneously do for ourselves.  That is how the Present Expression, supported by the Inner Child Wisdom, evolves into our future.  And in any best possible outcome that we make that happen…that is the essence of Healing.  And the essence of Healing was present within the beginnings of Acting/Storytelling.

The Fantastic Master Felix Fawkes: Nine Months In/ Nine Months Out

The Fantastic Master Felix Fawkes:  Nine Months In/ Nine Months Out

by Felina Lune Kavi

Category:  Soul-of-Thought Revival

Journal:  Earth Mother

Date:  10-1-2015

This is a week late, but I've been taking the time to reflect on the last 9 months of this year that our son has been learning and growing in this world, and the 9 months last year that he had been learning and growing in the world within me while we lived, learned, and grew on the outside.  A lot has changed with the many moons since Felix came into our lives. And since I have spent nearly all of the past 18 months with him, I can tell you (as close to his perspective as one is able to perceive) his journey thus far.

At first, life was warm and watery.  Then I started to hear a lot of ruckus outside of the womb…though sometimes the noises softened and I could hear music, singing, laughing, or make out different voices talking to me.  These people were as fascinating as they were noisy.  I wanted to be noisy too.  I wanted to meet them and learn their language.  I also wanted to teach them a thing or two about noise and silence, I could already tell the difference.  Since I had some time to prepare my own lessons, I kicked around a lot and made myself comfortable. 

Soon enough, I was grown and I decided the end of the Taurus Moon was a good time to make my move from that cozy little nook inside Mama to the home inside the larger universe.  Mama was right about the moon, just as she guessed the exact day my sister was born because of an already apparent Pisces influence in their connection.  She’s good at guessing the right moon for a birth…though I was still able to surprise them all on the birth date.  I thought it would be fitting for a new beginning to coincide with the first day of the year, and I like to make things a little later than expected.  On day one of the year, it would help them out as far as tracking my months to come.  I could tell both of my parents would appreciate the easy math. 

In my first months, I learned how to mimic my family by smiling and babbling.  My neck grew strong quickly from nursing and I was looking around at everything and studying it every day as my eyesight got clearer.  I found the comfort of Mama’s singing, the gentle strength of Daddy’s big hands, and the sweet silliness of my sister’s antics to be very enjoyable.  I met lots of family and friends, all of them smiling and wanting to talk with me and hold me.  Life outside the womb was pretty awesome.  I took it all in and learned how to communicate with everyone in my own ways.

Watching them all, especially my furry siblings, made me want to get moving too.  I started rolling around and grabbing everything I could reach…putting it all in my mouth to see if it would fit or how it tasted. Soon enough, I was able to twist and turn myself all over the place.  Now, I’m able to do what they call ‘the army crawl’.  They seem happy about this, but I can tell Daddy is worried now about all of the possible worst-case scenarios that could happen now that I’m on the move.  He keeps bringing up ‘baby-proofing’.  That sounds like a challenge. 

Now that I am nine months old, I can say ‘Mama’ and ‘Dada’…though my first word was ‘waggle’ (I thought that would be a good one to make them laugh…after all, Alyrica’s first word was ‘Edna’).  I can’t quite say my sister’s name, so I just call her ‘Lala’.  In recent news, I just got my first tooth this week. It made them all very happy…but it made me pretty angry.  My mouth hurts a lot, so I scream about it sometimes so they all know it.  I’m a little over 15 pounds now…a little heavier than our oldest cat, Ani, but still lighter than our fat cats Zenya and Zephyr.  Our cats are funny.  I like to laugh at them when they move.  When I touch them, I make sure my hands are all slobbery first so I get as much fur on them as I can.

I’m great at sitting up by myself and I can stand with help.  Soon, I’ll surprise them all by walking but I’m not quite ready yet.  I like when my parents take me for walks.  I helped Daddy pick some peppers from our garden…and I picked a marigold for Mama.  Mama took me for a walk after the Fall Equinox and we picked up a bunch of fiery colored leaves.  I liked the crunchy feeling in my hand…and I crushed one into Mama’s chest so she got little leaf pieces down her shirt.  We stopped to touch a big tree on the way.  It was much taller than Daddy and I liked the feeling of the bark.  I really love being outside.  I’ve noticed that sometimes when I get fussy enough, they’ll take me outside.  I’m getting the hang of training them to get what I want.

So far, I’ve gathered that life is all about growing, learning, napping, moving from one place to the next, and making a bunch of noise while demanding quiet.   That about sums it up, right?  Mix in a whole lot of eating, drinking, and excreting waste from what you have eaten and drank…and I’m pretty sure I’m nailing it.

The Birth Journey of Felix Fawkes Kavi

The Birth Journey of Felix Fawkes Kavi

By Felina Lune Kavi

Category:  Recycled Visions
Journal:  Earth Mother
Date:  1-1-15

My Family was as prepared for the journey of my birth as they were ever going to be.  They thought I might come earlier than I had arranged, so by New Year’s Eve, Mama had nested enough for my homecoming and welcomed the beginning of what was to be a long and sleepless night of inner travel.  She felt rested and calm.  She knew to keep the excitement to a minimum to ensure our safety and ease in this endeavor.  Daddy knew as well, though we could both hear the adrenaline in his voice.  This was to be Daddy’s first voyage into the unknown of fatherhood, after all.  Mama and I felt he was doing an excellent job.

I heard the countdown to my birthday, followed soon after by my sister’s laughter as Daddy threw her on the couch.  I hear that is a tradition started by my Grandpa.  It sounded like fun.  When Daddy kissed Mama, I could feel their love radiate through me and I knew they knew I would be here soon.  They decided Alyrica should sleep, though they may have to wake her soon to take us all to the birthing center.  I sent her happy dreams about all of her favorite animals.

Mama and I centered ourselves as her body stretched more and more and the sensations increased.  I could hear her moaning through the pressure waves and Daddy’s voice began reciting hypnosis cues.  “Relax.”  He said calmly…and she went under momentarily. 

We spent a few hours in the bed as Mama rested her body and went to that special place in her mind where we could spend time together…floating in the water and holding me next to her heart.  She would say my name and tell me she was ready for me to come home, and I would coo back at her as she stroked my head upon her chest.  In dreamtime, we washed ashore to our little island and she carried me up a stone staircase.  We stood for a moment at the top of what looked to be a gigantic earthen bowl with a path that spiraled into the center below.  Mama walked down the spiral path with me, singing me a song about the ocean.  When we reached the bottom, there was a large nest in the middle of the circle.  Mama cradled me inside it and we slept.

When she woke up, the pressure waves were stronger and more frequent.  She woke up Daddy gently and told him it was time to get ready to go to the birthing center.  He began gathering our things and woke up my sister.  She was very sleepy.  The whole thing might have been like a dream to her.  Daddy called the midwife to tell her we were coming. 

It was very cold outside, but I was keeping Mama warm.  She walked slowly down the stairs to the car and everyone got inside.  The ride was long and bumpy.  Mama was very uncomfortable, though Daddy was trying to drive smoothly.  Mama listened to a hypnosis CD until they arrived at the birthing center. 

Rachael, our midwife, was already there.  She held the door open and welcomed us into the warmth of the birthing center.  It was 5am and a holiday, so no one else was at the birthing center.  This is how I meant it to be so Mama and I had no distractions. 

Mama got to choose from the two rooms and she chose the purple room.  Purple is her favorite color and it makes her feel calm and balanced.  There was a big bed in the center of the room and a bathroom with a tub.  It made Mama feel at home.  Daddy started setting things up on the bedside table and started some calming music.  He brought brownies and veggies and set them out for everyone.  Mama was hungry and ate broccoli, cauliflower, and bell peppers to keep her strength up and drank a lot of water to keep hydrated.  They got out a birthing ball for her to sit on while breathing through the pressure waves.  Daddy rubbed her back and held her hand while Rachael held her hips. 

In between waves, Mama and Daddy gave Alyrica a Big Sister Basket that had a camera, some snacks, and a shirt with two foxes on it that said ‘Big Sister’.  She wore the shirt proudly and started taking photos of things in the room.  Soon, though, she went into the library to sleep some more while we waited for my birth.

With each successive pressure wave, Mama’s brain waves begin to slow down and she enters into a deep altered state of consciousness.  Her body is still tightening with sensations but her mind is somewhere beyond.  Things are changing rapidly as she shifts into active birthing.  Daddy and Rachael help her walk through the halls of the birthing center to help pull me down.  The rocking motion was comforting to me and moved me to where I needed to be.

As the pressure increased, Mama would stop and hold on to Daddy and focus on moving me down.  In between those times, they would stop and look at the footprints on the wall of all the other babies that had been born there.  Soon they would choose a place on the wall for my footprints.

During this time, Mama was aware of everything around her but she was somewhere else entirely…somewhere closer to me.  Together, we moved to the rhythm of her body like we were dancing.  The music became louder as she moved back into the room to rest. 

At this time, Mama needed Daddy to be with her while she rested in the bed.  She wanted the intimacy of him being there to hold her, comfort her, and rub her back as her body writhed and quaked with our inner travels.  There was a sacred bond there between them that allowed us all to be in tune with each other during this process.  The room seemed to become darker, and everything else besides the two of them fell away.  The shift was palpable as Mama moved into a deeper state.

Daddy whispered encouraging affirmations to her as she entered into this stage of her journey.  He let her know that he was with her.  The transition was intense.  Despite her calm, Mama had a wild look about her.  She was accessing all of her personal power to bring me closer to home. 

Rachael was there, then, to guide her.  She would breathe and moan with her, keeping her voice low and open to encourage Mama to stay calm and open as she came closer to my birthing time.  There were animal-like sounds coming from Mama that Daddy had never heard before.  He was in awe of the powerful process he was witnessing as his wife was bringing his first-born child to him.

Rachael went to wake up Alyrica so she could be present for my birth.  They came back and Alyrica had her camera ready.  Rachael suggested entering the birthing tub.  They helped Mama into the bathroom and Rachael got the bathwater ready as Mama held on to Daddy.  The sound of the water brought her back to that place where she was holding me to her chest, floating in a calm ocean.  Her brainwaves had slowed and deepened more then, and a transformation was happening.  She was receiving a lot of information about me very rapidly and though she wanted to tell Daddy, there were no words to describe it.  She suddenly knew who I was meant to be…she understood my soul and why I had come to them.  As she entered the birthing tub, she felt the waves bringing us closer to the shore.

If she could have formed the words, she would have explained that she had never felt more alive than in these last moments as she was bringing me down the birth canal.  The urge to bear down came soon after.  She was wild-eyed and powerful and became a new woman in that moment.  While she was on one knee in the warm water, I crowned.  Rachael told Daddy he could reach down then and feel my head.  I felt him touch me and I knew I was almost there. 

Mama locked eyes with Daddy then, knowing what she needed to do and knowing that he was there to help her.  She rose up slightly, leaning forward and arching her back…the sounds emanating from her signaled my time to emerge and meet my family. 

The sounds coming from Mama filled the warm air of the room.  Alyrica didn’t recognize Mama in that moment and she couldn’t stay in the room.  She was afraid of what was happening.  Even Daddy admitted later that if it went on any longer than it did, he was afraid Mama couldn’t do it.  But Mama was doing what she was meant to do…the strength of a mother giving birth is nothing short of amazing.  She was not afraid.  In one last push, I entered this world in the loving hands of my Daddy.  And everything was as it should be.

Alyrica came back in then and took some photos.  I cried out to let everyone know I was here.  Daddy placed me on my Mama’s chest and she held me next to her heart, just as she had done in her mind.  We floated in the warm water for a moment, acclimating to the newness of the sensations surrounding us.  Mama’s voice was soothing me as I rested my head upon her.  Daddy’s eyes watered at the sight of me.  He told her how proud he was of her.  We all fell in love.  Our family was complete.

Love at Every Sight

Category:  Recycled Poetry

Journals:  Nest of the Bower Birds/ Earth Mother

Dates:  January 2008/ January 12th, 2015

'I Have Seen'

by Felina Lune Kavi

January 2008

I have seen myself in your eyes

smiling, in love.

I have seen our future

through golden rays shining

on your gray-green seas.

I have fallen deeper

into you, eyes entranced,

than anyone else could fathom.

I have felt you uncontained, pure energy,

in sync with every vibration in me.

I am into you so deep

that I can breathe only you.

'Storyteller'

by Felina Lune Kavi

1-12-2015

Soft skin on my skin,

I watch our son sleep.

I see you, my husband.

I see a rebirth before me.

I am meeting ancestors,

Some of yours for the first time,

All in the gentle breaths of our baby.

When he opens his eyes,

He shows me everything,

Everyone present and past,

Guiding his future.

I wish we could keep the wisdom

With which we are born.

I see it in his eyes.

He gazes at me, then looks just beyond,

Seeing what most lose the ability to see.

He sees me too.

He sees all the past and present

Guiding my future.

He sees himself in me, as in you.

He remembers the story unfolding,

Though he may forget most of it

Before he can tell us.

Pieces of it will catch his consciousness

From time to time…spilling forth.

And we’ll wonder at the weirdness,

And smile about the creativity

Of a son born of two artists…

One of imagery and one of words.

A storyteller is born.

Mother of Phoenyx: Honoring the Cycles of Transformation

Category:  Soul-of-Thought Revival
Journals:  Cup of Kavi, Facebook Notes, Earth Mother, Music of the Spheres
Dates:  9-4-2014, 5-12-2014, 9-13-2013, 9-3-2013, 11-24-2004

Awakenings

(September 4th, 2014)

Lives are full of awakenings.  Even those who appear to be constantly hitting the snooze button on their internal alarm clock…they can never fully go back to sleep, ignoring the responsibilities of being alive.  At some point they have to get up and move forward.  The only thing that stops that is death…but even death is its own awakening.  To awaken, in any respect, is to accept and allow a necessary transformation to unfold.  How we deal with those subsequent changes we are meant to experience in life determines the length of time we choose to endure the most difficult stages of our own purification process.

 

Can we simplify our story, dissolve our toxic emotions, release our demons, and embrace our shadow all at once and reach a point of resolution?  Possibly, if we’ve spent all of our lives learning how to make personal transformation a fine art.  But what of right now?  Right now, we are still learning.  We have to focus one step at a time.  We have to learn that impatience is actually a waste of time.

The past year has been a journey for me.  As a woman, as a wife, and as a mother, I have changed.  It wasn’t easy…and it wasn’t exactly the change I had in mind to begin with either…but it was necessary to experience it as I did.

For several months after losing our little Phoenyx last September, I didn’t quite understand what was happening to me.  I didn’t have sense, anymore, of who I was or where I was going.  Not at first.  What I could understand though, is that the birth of our nephew and the death of our baby happened on the same day last year so that I wouldn’t fall apart completely and miss the importance of what was unfolding.  I came to understand that the miscarriage lead me to take care of myself, and forced me to rid myself of what was stagnating new growth…purifying myself for new life to return in the Spring.  Love and gratitude had to be experienced in some way at each grueling stage of the process to remind me that life goes on and cycles of transformation are beyond our control.  And sometimes, even the worst of it is absolutely beautiful in hindsight. 

I relearned how to trust the process.  I openly and honestly felt the whole of that experience and came out of it changed for the better.  I called out my fears and let go of them for good.  I unearthed my feelings of inadequacy…and I admitted that though I may not be fully prepared for whatever was to come from this experience, I was ready.

 

And this process didn’t end in the Spring when we found out we were pregnant again.  It didn’t end yesterday, when I reread what I wrote about the miscarriage that happened last September 3^rd and realized why it all happened the way it did.  I’m still going through some final stages of changing…still being tested a bit a long the way.  But I realize that it’s all so that when this baby is born, the new me will be born as well.

Excerpt from 'Mother's Day Confessions'

(May 12th, 2014)

One thing about being born in the Springtime is that you find it difficult to hold back from announcing new things happening in your life. 

Last month, during the week following Easter Sunday (the week the Cardinal Grand Cross was at its peak, for those of you following the planetary alignments), we found out we are pregnant again…due around the time of the Winter Solstice this year.

That blissful news being said, I feel it necessary to give some voice to the process of transformation that comes from the extremities of joy after pain. 

The end of April had been looming like a ghost in my mind since we lost Phoenyx in September. As the original due date drew nearer, the recognition grew clearer and clearer that I was still stuck in some limbo state of being and feeling…and definitely at a deadlock of doing. My once strong sense of identity had been shattered and scattered amongst fears I never realized before, thoughts that self-sabotaged my efforts to remain in tact, and emotions that had a grip much tighter than reason.  I took that time for all of it...and considered that I may never feel like myself again.

In theatre, you have this unspoken commitment to everyone involved (especially the audience), that unless you are physically unable to perform…you push through any pain, suffering, or sickness and deliver a performance to the best of your ability. This last show I was in certainly wasn’t the first I’ve pushed myself through while sick or in pain, but it was the first that gave me insight into that pattern being present within my own life.  I’ve always been taught by life that in order to be something you have to do what it requires of you.  If I want to be strong, I have to overcome my weakness.  If I want to be healed, I have to understand my own wounds and take care of them.  And if I want to be whole again, I have to retrieve all the pieces and rediscover the big picture in the puzzle.

I didn’t glide through those months gracefully, whether I appeared to or not.  I fought myself at first for a while, but I grew new wings within that chrysalis of transformation.  A voice, small and still within, whispered a calm knowing that I was coming home soon…though it was barely audible amongst the din of self-deprecation. 

Soon after the Spring Equinox, I began to dread the coming April.  I was about to turn 32…maybe I’m only meant to have one child, I thought.  So I told Michael, two more months to see what happens, and then I’ve got to give it up and move on.

And maybe Phoenyx heard me, because the ‘rebirth’ happened soon after.  When we found out, it was surreal.  Here I had been writing throughout April about the Cardinal Grand Cross of Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, and Pluto…and there I saw a blue cross on the pregnancy test, signaling the necessary change that was beginning.

Luna's Darker Half

Sept. 13, 2013

On the 10^th day after The Great Departure

The impending night falls like a shroud.

A ghost unveiled, revealed in half-light;

Shadows cast upon an empty shell.

I hold my womb as if a memory;

I hold my husband like a distant dream.

Both appear just out of reach now...

Phantom pains in a broken heart.

So close we were to resolution.

Heartstrings now stretched and falling flat.

Discordia sounds that familiar tri-tone,

A restless interval to wake the dead.

Another flood from a weakened body...

Not one of blood, but saline tears,

And the heaving breath of a wounded mother.

The panic fear returns once more.

In The Awakening, I held a promise.

I felt it grow and touch my soul.

But all at once, I couldn’t keep it...

The void within can’t be ignored.

A week of grief seemed like acceptance,

But there was pain left unaddressed.

After some days of new distraction,

The half-moon lit the unearthed root.

This dark night is cold and lonesome,

And deep exhaustion refuses sleep.

Luna alone in city skyscape...

The stars all hidden within the noise.

This is a Test, says the Teacher.

You have a choice, don’t waste your time.

Within the deep there’s something thankful;

The sun returns with a hopeful gift.

And so I wait with trusting patience;

Illumination will break this night.

The dawn will fill the dark with color;

The day will come when all is healed.

The honest, uncensored, experience of what happened a year ago...the point of departure from everything I was and knew up to that point in my life, that eventually lead me to where I am now...can be read here:  The One That Flew Away.