Category: Soul-of-Thought Revival
Journals: Cup of Kavi, Facebook Notes, Earth Mother, Music of the Spheres
Dates: 9-4-2014, 5-12-2014, 9-13-2013, 9-3-2013, 11-24-2004
Journals: Cup of Kavi, Facebook Notes, Earth Mother, Music of the Spheres
Dates: 9-4-2014, 5-12-2014, 9-13-2013, 9-3-2013, 11-24-2004
Awakenings
(September 4th, 2014)
Lives are full of awakenings. Even those who appear to be constantly hitting the snooze
button on their internal alarm clock…they can never fully go back to sleep,
ignoring the responsibilities of being alive. At some point they have to get up and move forward. The only thing that stops that is
death…but even death is its own awakening. To awaken, in any respect, is to accept and allow a necessary
transformation to unfold. How we
deal with those subsequent changes we are meant to experience in life
determines the length of time we choose to endure the most difficult stages of
our own purification process.
Can we simplify our story, dissolve our toxic emotions,
release our demons, and embrace our shadow all at once and reach a point of
resolution? Possibly, if we’ve
spent all of our lives learning how to make personal transformation a fine
art. But what of right now? Right now, we are still learning. We have to focus one step at a
time. We have to learn that
impatience is actually a waste of time.
The past year has been a journey for me. As a woman, as a wife, and as a mother,
I have changed. It wasn’t easy…and
it wasn’t exactly the change I had in mind to begin with either…but it was
necessary to experience it as I did.
For several months after losing our little Phoenyx last
September, I didn’t quite understand what was happening to me. I didn’t have sense, anymore, of who I
was or where I was going. Not at
first. What I could understand
though, is that the birth of our nephew and the death of our baby happened on
the same day last year so that I wouldn’t fall apart completely and miss the
importance of what was unfolding.
I came to understand that the miscarriage lead me to take care of
myself, and forced me to rid myself of what was stagnating new growth…purifying
myself for new life to return in the Spring. Love and gratitude had to be experienced in some way at each
grueling stage of the process to remind me that life goes on and cycles of
transformation are beyond our control.
And sometimes, even the worst of it is absolutely beautiful in
hindsight.
I relearned how to trust the process. I openly and honestly felt the whole of
that experience and came out of it changed for the better. I called out my fears and let go of
them for good. I unearthed my
feelings of inadequacy…and I admitted that though I may not be fully prepared
for whatever was to come from this experience, I was ready.
And this process didn’t end in the Spring when we found out
we were pregnant again. It didn’t
end yesterday, when I reread what I wrote about the miscarriage that happened
last September 3rd and realized why it all happened the way it
did. I’m still going through some
final stages of changing…still being tested a bit a long the way. But I realize that it’s all so that
when this baby is born, the new me will be born as well.
Excerpt from 'Mother's Day Confessions'
(May 12th, 2014)
One thing about being born
in the Springtime is that you find it difficult to hold back from announcing
new things happening in your life.
Last month, during the
week following Easter Sunday (the week the Cardinal Grand Cross was at its
peak, for those of you following the planetary alignments), we found out we are
pregnant again…due around the time of the Winter Solstice this year.
That blissful news being
said, I feel it necessary to give some voice to the process of transformation
that comes from the extremities of joy after pain.
The end of April had been
looming like a ghost in my mind since we lost Phoenyx in September. As the
original due date drew nearer, the recognition grew clearer and clearer that I
was still stuck in some limbo state of being and feeling…and definitely at a
deadlock of doing. My once strong sense of identity had been shattered and
scattered amongst fears I never realized before, thoughts that self-sabotaged
my efforts to remain in tact, and emotions that had a grip much tighter than
reason. I took that time for all of it...and considered that I may never
feel like myself again.
In theatre, you have this
unspoken commitment to everyone involved (especially the audience), that unless
you are physically unable to perform…you push through any pain, suffering, or
sickness and deliver a performance to the best of your ability. This last
show I was in certainly wasn’t the first I’ve pushed myself through while sick
or in pain, but it was the first that gave me insight into that pattern being
present within my own life. I’ve always been taught by life that in order
to be something you have to do what it requires of you. If I want to be
strong, I have to overcome my weakness. If I want to be healed, I have to
understand my own wounds and take care of them. And if I want to be whole
again, I have to retrieve all the pieces and rediscover the big picture in the
puzzle.
I didn’t glide through
those months gracefully, whether I appeared to or not. I fought myself at
first for a while, but I grew new wings within that chrysalis of
transformation. A voice, small and still within, whispered a calm knowing
that I was coming home soon…though it was barely audible amongst the din of
self-deprecation.
Soon after the Spring
Equinox, I began to dread the coming April. I was about to turn 32…maybe
I’m only meant to have one child, I thought. So I told Michael, two more
months to see what happens, and then I’ve got to give it up and move on.
And maybe Phoenyx heard
me, because the ‘rebirth’ happened soon after. When we found out, it was
surreal. Here I had been writing throughout April about the Cardinal
Grand Cross of Mars, Jupiter, Uranus, and Pluto…and there I saw a blue cross on
the pregnancy test, signaling the necessary change that was beginning.
Luna's Darker Half
Sept. 13, 2013
On the 10th day after The Great Departure
The impending night falls like a
shroud.
A ghost unveiled, revealed in
half-light;
Shadows cast upon an empty shell.
I hold my womb as if a memory;
I hold my husband like a distant
dream.
Both appear just out of reach
now...
Phantom pains in a broken heart.
So close we were to resolution.
Heartstrings now stretched and
falling flat.
Discordia sounds that familiar
tri-tone,
A restless interval to wake the
dead.
Another flood from a weakened
body...
Not one of blood, but saline
tears,
And the heaving breath of a wounded
mother.
The panic fear returns once more.
In The Awakening, I held a
promise.
I felt it grow and touch my soul.
But all at once, I couldn’t keep
it...
The void within can’t be ignored.
A week of grief seemed like
acceptance,
But there was pain left
unaddressed.
After some days of new
distraction,
The half-moon lit the unearthed
root.
This dark night is cold and
lonesome,
And deep exhaustion refuses
sleep.
Luna alone in city skyscape...
The stars all hidden within the
noise.
This is a Test, says the Teacher.
You have a choice, don’t waste
your time.
Within the deep there’s something
thankful;
The sun returns with a hopeful
gift.
And so I wait with trusting
patience;
Illumination will break this
night.
The dawn will fill the dark with
color;
The day will come when all is
healed.
The honest, uncensored, experience of what happened a year ago...the point of departure from everything I was and knew up to that point in my life, that eventually lead me to where I am now...can be read here: The One That Flew Away.
